Rest

It was 5:30 am, and I sat down on the couch with a cup of coffee in my hand. I attempted to pray but paused… Tears started to fall. Tears that I knew were there but didn’t realize were so close to the surface. 

They were tears of grief but also relief. Relief after a long internal battle. 

The room was quiet. But it was more than that. I realized my mind was quiet and at peace.

I wasn’t fighting back thoughts of how I would finally make something happen. Instead, my mind felt at rest. 

As someone who has often said I have a mind that never shuts down, this kind of stillness felt foreign. There was nothing running through my mind like a hamster on a wheel. Nothing. 

I never understood how I could ask my husband what he was thinking and he would say nothing. 

Until this day. 

It was like waking up from a loud and restless dream to a peaceful room, where only the quiet hum of a fan could be heard. 

Peace.

This all came a few days after feeling like God was wanting me to let go of some things I care about…and have invested a lot of my heart and time into over the years.

I started following through with this right away, before I thought about it too much and talked myself out of it. 

Surrender…and the results of surrender…can be filled with grief, relief, and peace at the same time. 

As I sat there with my now-getting-cold coffee in my hand, I realized I no longer felt like I had to keep striving – to figure it all out – and I finally had permission to rest.

I felt a deep sense of rest that I hadn’t experienced in a very long time.